Monday, March 10, 2014

Spring Roasts Cleveland's Winter

This winter has been BRUTAL. I'm hoping this stretch of "warm" (above 30s during the day) means that the big freeze is finally over and that we will smoothly transition into Spring. That said, as you read this, I'm in sunny Riviera Maya, where it is a balmy 85!! But instead of leaving you with nothing to read, today's post comes courtesy of Josh Womack from Laugh Staff. Operating out of Shaker LaunchHouse, Laugh Staff provides an incredible service for anyone in need of a funny speech-- using 12 comedians from across the country (3 in Cleveland), Laugh Staff will help you write the perfect Best Man or Maid of Honor speech that hits just the right mix of hilarity and heartfelt sentiment. Here's some local press about them. 

So without much further ado, here's Josh-

(Clinking Glass) 
Excuse me, Hi….thank you everyone for being here tonight….WOW, I see a lot of familiar faces in the room: Jeff Tanchak from 19 Action News…. Betsy Kling from WKYC and are extremely old buddy from Fox 8 Dick Goddard….Dick, how you’re still vertical is beyond me….Betsy, you look dashing… and Jeff you look like you just fell out of frat house…honest, fair, everywhere….that’s JT for ya…
My name is Spring and it’s a pleasure to roast, I mean toast, The 2013/2014 Cleveland Winter….you really did a number on us didn’t you! You made pipes burst, cars slide and single handedly destroyed the education of many youths in Cuyahoga County….just when the Cleveland metropolitan school district was already on life support, you had to kick ‘em when they were down….I think when it’s all said and done most Cleveland schools will have had 12 or 13 snow days this year….those are priceless education times that we’ll never get back….oh well, our Cuyahoga County youth will one day find work at Christie’s or the DMV all because you shut everything down…..
It was cold. REALLY cold….my nipples could have cut wood and most days I couldn’t feel my fingers along with my soul….I would warm my car up at 11:00 P.M. just so it could be warmed up by 7:00 A.M. when I left for work…..The plows and salt trucks were around this year oh yeah, but they were around much like 2013 Browns offense: Bursts of greatness here and there most of the time nowhere to be seen….
January and February were rough…like Chris Brown and Rhianna rough….I remember when it was -7 degrees one day in February and ironically I was listening to the Eagles ‘Hell Freezes Over’….when it’s this cold and snowy nobody wants to do ANYTHING. Most days I wanted to crawl in a pothole on West 117th and not come out until St. Patrick’s Day….Martin Luther King Day deserved better too……it’s bad enough that his street here primarily runs through the ghetto. Mr. King deserved to have it at least 45 degrees with patches of sun here and there…..
Cleveland Winter don’t think that your little glimpses of sunlight are fooling us either….Sunlight in Cleveland offers the same optimism as a dead beat dad….sure every now and then you come around for a weekend but we know you’re not permanent….you always run off to someone of some place hotter and then leave us weak, hurt and angry….
I do have to say that even though I have bashing you up here I have to say that as your best man it is my job to offer hope and faith. I am spring and I will be here soon….you will feel me on the Panini’s patio and you will embrace me on Indians Opening Day. Once it gets to 50 degrees you’ll see the soccer moms in Strongsville and Independence desperately trying to sunbathe in the front yard…
Spring is around the corner….Winter, your days are numbered.

Follow @joshuawomack82 on twitter and follow his company @laughstaff too.

1 comment:

Fizzgig said...

for realz, this has been the worst winter. and comparing the sunshine to a dead beat dad was so right on!!